Welcome to the very first issue of Blogtabulous where we interview the luscilicious (what? If I say it’s a real word then it is) Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures. Robyn writes a humorous blog that will have you wetting-your-knickers laughing, and is also the creator of the infamous daytime drama, As the Dollhouse Turns.
Bwahahahaha “back soon”. This is why we’re humour writers.
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Whilst our respective other halves made the mistake of having showers (not together, silly) we wrote notes from the only paper available in our houses – our children’s precious artwork – and made a run for it while the children were occupied with full on warfare.
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We met in a dimly lit bar where people were too wrapped up in their own troubles to wonder how two such stunning women had been able to escape from their respective kitchens. Yes, it appears we had also managed to travel back in time to the 1950s.
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Over a few drinks I managed to ask Robyn the important questions that none of you realised you were dying to know.
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Can you tell our readers a little bit about yourself, and while you’re at it, pour me another glash of wine. Hehe I mean glash… glass. Yesh glash ish what I meant to shay. Glass damnit.
I’m just a lady who loves sarcasm, writing, wine, beer, other bottled items, long walks on the beach, and my husband. Oh, and my kids are okay, too. I’m not pessimistic, but I am a realist – and based on my observations and experiences, real life isn’t all rainbow-scented unicorn farts. Sometimes, it sucks. That’s what I’m here for – to make people feel better about themselves by honestly revealing my own suckishness, and for kicking real life in the proverbial erinaceous hoo-hoo.
Why is this hedgehog picture here?
If you found a tortoise lying on it’s back and waving it’s legs in the air, what would you put in the bowl you made out of it’s shell?
I really did find a tortoise once, and when I picked it up, it was full of (look away now if you’re squeamish!) maggots. To make up for the lifelong trauma inflicted by that moment, I’d fill my tortoise shell bowl with cash. Not that it would really teach the tortoises of the world a lesson, but cash does always cheer me up.
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What riders will you have in your contract when you’re famous?
I’m really low maintenance, so all I really want is ten minutes to myself. And free high-speed internet access. And some Skittles – but not the yellow ones. Those are nasty. And a fluffy white robe, which I won’t wear because I’m not really a robe person, but I want it hanging on the back of the door to make the room feel more luxurious. And a chocolate fountain. Oh, and a tortoise shell full of cash.
Huh. I guess I’m not as low maintenance as I thought.
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If Hollywood makes a movie about your life, which actress will play me and why?
We will both be played by our children, who will be sitting on each other’s shoulders all stacked up so they can wear our clothes. That should keep them occupied long enough for us to go out and have a few drinks.
I’ll drink to that. Hic!
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Why isn’t the number eleven pronounced onety-one?
That’s a good question – I’m still trying to figure out when they’re going to make eleventy a real number, since I use it all the time and no one seems to question it, yet they refuse to teach about it in schools. Sigh. I’m going to guess the answer to both our questions has something to do with general stupidity.
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You’re on a gameshow where the object of the game is to piss off as many people as you can. Your victim is a frazzled mum walking with a toddler and her baby in a frontal baby carrier. The toddler is lying on the ground having a tantrum. The baby has had a blowout – the poo has gone up it’s back and out the top of the carrier, and is also leaking down the baby’s legs and onto the mum’s crotch and thighs. What unsolicited parenting advice would you give at this precise moment?
“Wow, you really shouldn’t put your baby in a front carrier when he’s about to poo, should you? Oh, it’s not a “he”? Well, if you don’t want people to make that mistake, you might consider a frilly headband for a baby girl with such masculine features. You might also consider cutting sugar out of your toddler’s diet, unless he just naturally misbehaves like that all the time. Looks like somebody needed a nap before Mommy dragged everybody out to take care of her errands! I’d suggest giving him a hug and consoling the poor dear, but I’m guessing you’re more concerned about the poo stain setting in your pants. You know, if you’d spent as much money on that baby carrier as you did on those slacks you bought for yourself, you wouldn’t be having this problem.”
Please let the record show, if anyone ever actually said any of that I’d be morally required to punch them in the neck.
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Which character in the famous daytime drama, As The Dollhouse Turns, are you most like?
When I read this question to my husband, I joked, “I’m probably most like Buzz,” to which he replied, “Yeah, I’d say that’s about right.” He didn’t even get that I was kidding. Which just goes to show what an insensitive, self-absorbed, lazyass Buzz I am, I guess.
“Wipe that smirk off your face, mister,” says the officer, who’s also smiling brightly for no particular reason.
Buzz under arrest from episode 7 of As The Dollhouse Turns
Whose leg would you most like to dry hump?
My husband insists that I only dry hump his leg, but if we ever meet face-to-face, Ms. Wub Boo Mummy had better prepare her leg for the dry humping of a lifetime!
Editors note: Well this is awkward. Now everyone will know that it was a barefaced lie that we met up in a seedy bar. Perhaps this picture of Spock and Captain Kirk will provide a good distraction.
Link to your favourite blog post: this one because it outlines just how sarcastic I am. And lazy. Let’s not forget lazy.
Confess to one of your sins
Where you can find Robyn
Hollow Tree Ventures - the blog. Make sure you are wearing your incontinence pads before you start reading.
Facebook - where you can find little gems like this
Twitter - where our messed up love affair goes on behind the scenes.
Sorry this is the tamest tweet from Robyn I could find.
Pinterest - where Robyn heads when she wants to feel inadequate for a while. If you like to pin, please join her. How else will you find crafts to make with all the burned food she ruins?
Craft Fail - It’s soap that looks like someone’s junk. It’s a baby doll that looks like a potato. It’s almost a double rainbow fail (so intense.) It’s CraftFail, and it’s your community of crafters admitting that not every craft project looks like Martha made it. Call them prototypes, call them first drafts, or call them huge errors in calculation, but they’re craftfails, and they’re yours. And mine.
Both Robyn and I have been nominated in the Circle of Moms Top Funny Moms of 2013 and, at the time of writing, we’re both hovering around number 70. It would make us so happy if we could tie for 69th position, because, well, you know.
Next issue of Blogtabulous will feature Kim from Let Me Start by Saying. Well, hopefully, because she was drinking lots of wine to get through being stuck at home with her kids during a blizzard when she agreed to do it.
PS Don’t forget to leave a comment below, bla bla bla.
